“Why did you start ‘hankfittraining’?”
I’ve been asked this many times and I’ve always given very short answers, responses like “I want to inspire people, I want to promote fitness/sports” and those are all true but how do I explain something that holds such a special place in my heart in a short allotted time? It’s impossible. I don’t think I can even explain my ‘why’ in words because it’s just a part of me.
Live life and do what you do with a ‘why’, I think that is crucial in my opinion. It is very hard to find and to be honest I don’t even know if I’ve found my ‘why’ yet but ‘hankfittraining’ is a part of it.
Why do you do what you do? Maybe you like fitness so you got into personal training. Maybe you like dealing with numbers so you got into accounting. Maybe you like helping people so you want to become a doctor. Maybe you’re an athlete, maybe you’re a business owner, maybe you’re a teacher, whatever it is there’s always a ‘WHY’ behind it. But there’s more to someone’s ‘why’ then just “getting into personal training because you like fitness”, I feel like that’s too bland of a ‘why’.
My ‘why’ started when I was 6.
I immigrated to Canada when I was 6 years old with my mom and my brother. Growing up I was always a shy and awkward kid even before I came to Canada, coming to Canada that kind of grew. Sitting inside that first grade classroom not knowing how to read, write and most importantly communicate made me a very self-conscious but observant kid.
I’d always try to look for ways to fit in, and see what other kids were doing, I had to.
Being self-conscious meant I was very alerted all the time. I remember kids laughing at me (maybe they weren’t but I believed so) for bringing seaweed to class, for eating rice, for using chopsticks, I went home to my mom and told her I wanted to start bringing peanut butter jelly sandwiches to school because I didn’t want to be laughed at (she doesn’t know this story). I stopped bringing seaweed to school, I ate bread instead of rice, I started using forks, that’s how I struggled with myself. So from that age I’ve learnt to kept everything to myself, my frustrations, my struggles, my unhappiness because how does a kid express himself to people around him when he doesn’t even speak the language? It’s hard. I was fortunate enough to have my family around, teaching me and guiding me but I struggled and I became very introvert, not knowing how to release what I felt.
Fast forward a few years down elementary school, I’ve learned the language, made a few friends but at this stage I became a little chubby, I put on a lot of weight, the “fat hank” days. So while being self-conscious already, now my self-esteem had dropped, I didn’t have a lot of self-confidence and still didn’t know how to properly deal with how I felt. Then to hear people make fun, tease and say words like “piggy, chubby, fat,sumo wrestler” really damaged me. I remember going back to Taiwan for a vacation back around 2007-2008, my friend and I were meeting up with her friends to play basketball, I have never met her friends before and one of the first things her friend said to me was “小胖”, which in English means “little fat” (I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense but in Taiwan people give nicknames using “little” followed by another word).
I was shocked, why is this guy saying this to me right now?
And the only thing I knew how to do was to put my head down and quietly laugh it off like I’ve always done, not knowing how to deal with it. I’ve never been a negative, upset kid, I’ve always been happy but I struggled. I still didn’t fit in, still didn’t know who I was, what I wanted but hey I was only an elementary school kid right? But moving on to high school things shifted, and that’s where ‘hankfittraining’ really started.
What happened in high school? Quite a bit actually, I found paddling (the sport I’m currently pursuing at this moment) but first and most importantly I found fitness. I remember how unfit I was in grade 8/9, still “fat hank”, we had to do fitness testing and I remember I could barely do a pushup, couldn’t do more than 5 sit ups and could barely run across the gym floor without feeling like I was going to die, I felt like the most unfit kid in school. But, thanks to some amazing teachers (you know who you are), they pushed me more than I could push myself, it started small but I really wanted to impress them, to hear their approval. They use to give out lollipops to someone that stood out during PE class and I remember when I got my first one how happy I was, not because of the candy but because of the acceptance and approval. For a split moment there was something special there, at least for me.
So being in PE class really helped me gain confidence, but from grade 8-10 I still didn’t really know who I was, I’ve lost some weight, gained a little bit more confident but still didn’t know how to release all I’ve kept inside since I was a 6 year old kid.
Finally in mid 2010 I bought a gym membership, I decide I wanted to make a change, I was inspired by the Olympics in my hometown and I decided that I wanted to become the best version of myself, that I wanted to make a difference in me.
At that time I’ve improved on myself, worked out a little bit in the school’s weight room (mostly just ping pong though) but not a whole bunch of commitment or consistency. That gym membership was single handedly the best investment I’ve ever made and I didn’t even realize the impact it would have on me a few years down the road. Through little bits and little bits of hard work, through learning the motions, learning the exercises, learning to improve, learning to be consistent, I finally found my sanity. It was a place that I could release everything I’ve kept inside me since I was a 6 year old kid. Every gym session I used “chubby, fat” as my key words to remind myself why I was there, to remind myself to not give up, to remind myself that I had to prove those people wrong but most importantly prove myself right.
I started to see changes.
I became happier, my self-confidence, esteem and most importantly self-love grew drastically. I could see the changes in my body, and so could others but most importantly I found ‘me’. I could finally express myself in a way that I understood, in a way that made me feel better, in a way that made sense. I’ve found my outlet, my ultimate escape. Those same people that once made fun of me started to compliment me on the changes I had with my body and that was a huge defining moment for me.
Moving on to my grade 12 year, it was huge for me. I started training for the sport of canoeing with the purpose to just compete in the 2013 Canada games, I didn’t realize how big of an impact it would have on me after.
I became one of the fitter people at my school and I even had abs at some point! All things I could never dream of growing up, or even thought of.
We had a fitness competition for our Fitness/Conditioning class at the end of my grade 12 year, it was a weight class and point system so we competed against other students in the same weight category to see who earned the most points based on different tests. It all came down to the last 5km run, I finished the run first and who ever ran around the corner couldn’t be this specific person in order for me to win the whole competition. When that shadow came around the corner and it wasn’t the person and I’ve realized that I’ve won, I was so ecstatic, it was something so small and so irrelevant but it meant so much to me because in the 5 year span of high school I’ve made changes that I couldn’t even really believe. That fitness competition meant absolutely nothing, and it’s nothing to even brag about but for that chubby little Asian kid, it was something, it was the reward to the hard work, the feeling of acceptance, and the finding of himself.
Then graduating high school I made the Canada Games Team and had the opportunity to go on a 3 week trip where I fell absolutely in love with paddling. I came back from that trip and told myself that paddling was something that I was going to pursue, that I wanted to go to the Olympics. Because how amazing would it be for that nobody, who started the sport late, to have success?
That was one of the most important years of my life, it was where everything paid off, where everything clicked, where I founded what mattered to me, where I didn’t have to “fit in” because I “fit me”. I found who I was, I found what I believed in, I found a purpose.
These were all things I never would have dreamed of growing up with the battles that I faced. I’m not saying my situation is worse than others, it’s not, but this is my story.
Growing up I would never dreamt of saying “I want to go to the Olympics”, or “I’m going to go to the gym.” But I can stand here today confidently telling you that’s what I want to do.
You see, maybe I will never go to the Olympics, or even make the National Team or be where I want with the sport, but that chubby kid would have never dreamed about what he would become anyways so why would I ever want to set that limit on myself.
So fast forward 4 years and here I am now, sitting on my couch, writing to you about why I started ‘hankfittraining’. If you’ve read this far, I thank you, I’m humbled that you are interested in what I have to say.
You see, my ‘why’ is bigger than just “I want to help people”, it’s much bigger than that. I work as a personal trainer so I do “help people” but it’s more than that, it’s everything I’ve gone through growing up, that’s my WHY. That’s why I have so much passion to paddle, to workout, to do my job, to help others. My ‘why’ goes way beyond just me, I want my ‘why’ to spread through people so that they realize they CAN do what they want, that it’s possible. I want people to believe in themselves, to find that passion deep inside their heart and soul like I did. I want to give out inspiration, motivation and instill a belief in another person so that they go out and be the best versions of themselves possible. Whether they are inspired by another person’s story, the struggles they faced, or by something I say, an advice I give, an exercise I show on my Instagram, whatever it is I’ll be satisfied.
And my Olympic dream? If that ever becomes a reality, just imagine the amount of people that would be able to look at my story, and tell themselves it’s possible for them to go for their dreams? That’s what drives me the most, not the medals, not the glory, I really love the sport but most importantly it’s the impact it would have on others. The everlasting effect it would have on a kid that never believed in him/herself, the beacon of hope and faith.
Like Jim Carrey would say, “the effects you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.”
I’ll admit, I was very self-conscious to start a page because I would expose myself to others but what I realized is that you just have to start. Start with the first rep in the weight room, start with that first 5 minute jog, start with that first stroke in the boat, whatever it is just start. Don’t let negativity bring down what you believe in, let negativity motivate you to become better than you’ve ever imagined, let it fuel you.
So if I can go back and tell my adolescent self, I would tell him to not be afraid on what he feels right now because one day that will become one of his biggest asset. That his fears, his disappointments, his concerns will become the driving force in everything he does.
So WHY ‘hankfittraining’?
Now you know. *CONTINUED BELOW…..
I’ve always wanted to update my “why” as I feel like I’m not telling my whole story. So here we go….
After highschool, I decided to start pursuing the sport of sprint canoeing, I was absolutely in love with it. I will never forget that feeling a year later in 2014 when I saw how much I have progressed. I went and raced Nationals that summer and I wasn’t last in my races, I actually beat some people! (Although I did fell in the water in my 1000m which was embarrassing ).
Then came the fall of 2014…
Excited, inspired, angry (falling in during my race), I put in the hardest and most productive training of my entire life. I will never forget my daily routine…
Up at 5:45am, train from 6:30-8am, go to class till 10, in the gym from 10:30-12 or some form of cross training, eat, study, rest, on the water again at 3:30-5pm, back in the gym for extra work (extra pull ups (got up to 175 a day, 6 days a week at 1 point!), recovery work (stretch, prehab, cold tub etc), and then my day was over around 6:30pm and that was just a typical day.
Going through all that, training 3-4x a day, 6 days a week, I felt so fulfilled. I felt like I had a purpose. I felt like I was going somewhere. I wasn’t the fastest, but in my mind I felt like I was great. I would constantly tell myself that. That confidence that came with going out and training to that extent, was paramount to me because I was that unconfident, talentless, chubby little kid who was too lazy to even exercise….. to now devoting his entire life into 1 thing that was so physically demanding.
I was doing all this alone too, I had no training partners. I spent a lot of cold fall mornings paddling 20-30kms by myself, doing that every day, all day, all alone. I was once asked,
“How are you so motivated go out and train by yourself everyday with no one else?” (I wasn’t the kind of person that would miss out on any practices either)
I never had an answer to that other than,
“If you really love doing something, why do you need someone else to be there?”
I was totally obsessed, my life was paddling, and I wanted it to be. I put in so many extra work that no one ever saw and the confidence within myself in the sport grew tremendously. That was huge for me considering I only really started training for the sport 1.5 year prior. I felt like even though I started the sport so late, even though I wasn’t the most talented, I could be fast if I wanted to be, I could be great I told myself.
So from the fall of 2014 to the summer of 2015 was the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life, physically. I felt like 2015 was going to by my year, it was going to be the year where all my hard work will pay off. Then on July 12, the injury happened….
After coming off a hard week and racing, I decide to hit the gym hard during my recovery week and felt soreness in my left shoulder (I’m stupid). I kept training for a week until finally after midway through 1 practice, my shoulder gave out, I physically could not lift it up anymore, I had to get off the water. That was 5 weeks before the race I wanted to excel at that summer.
Long story short, the physios would tell me it was just tendonitis, and I took 2 weeks off, still raced that summer, took some time off again and got back into it. When the pain wouldn’t fade, and got worse, I decided to get help. 3 months later I got imaging done on it, 3 tears in my rotator cuff… I was devastated.
It was a long rehab process, a lot of ups and downs. I was extremely depressed a lot during that time, it wasn’t very fun. I couldn’t really race in 2016 but towards the end of the summer I was finally getting back to full time training, getting back to putting in that extra work every day. I felt like my old self again, this lasted 2 months. In October, after coming off an amazing week of training, I had a tear in my right rotator cuff. This time around I just laughed…
Why me? What did I do? How is this fair?
I decided to rehab again to race in 2017 and that’s when I started hankfittraining.
I raced last summer and destroyed my shoulders again, I’ve taken some time off since then until now. Writing this, I realized it’s been almost 3 year since I first injured myself, which is crazy to think about.
The biggest struggle for me going through this whole process is “time”. “Time” it takes to get better, “time” I’ve lost to become the paddler that I want to be, “time” I didn’t spend in paddling as a little boy like most kids and the urge to catch up, “time” I spent caught in this vicious cycle of getting better and then hurting again.
BUT, I will never forget when my sports medicine doctor said he would give me treatments and injections for free, I was truly touched and he inspired me to come back. I will never forget a physio said he would sponsor me and treat me for free. I never understood why but maybe because he saw how hard I worked everyday in the gym ( he’s a weightlifter). I will never forget the kind people who encouraged me and talked to me and inspired me.
Through these acts of kindness and generiosity is the reason why I started hankfittraining. The only way I can ever repay all these people who have made a positive impact on me is by paying it forward. That is why I wanted to share my story and others because I feel like it’s my new sense of purpose. To inspire through connecting with another.
The hardest part about my injuries was that I lost my routine, I never had that set routine everyday, and I felt lost. My sense of fulfillment and completion from going out and working my hardest everyday was suddenly gone. The constant cycle of getting a little bit better, being able to train hard, then having to ease off can drive you crazy.
But I want people to realize it’s okay to be not okay. It’s okay to feel upset, alone, depressed going through those struggles whether that’s injury or something else. If you ever feel this way please contact me and we can talk, I mean it. I don’t wish what happened to me to happen to anyone, but life happens.
For me, sitting here writing this I realized I can think about how much I’ve missed. How different life would be if I didn’t went through all my injuries in the past 3 years. How unfair it is. How much I suffered mentally battling against myself. Maybe I would’ve been the paddler that I thought I would become. Maybe not?
It’s easy to get caught in these negative mindframes. One of my favourite quote I read recently is,
“You can’t control the events that happen to you, but you can control your interpretation of them. So why not choose the story that serves your life the best?”
I have caught myself in these “what ifs” but that does me no good, although it does bug me sometimes. But I also remember all the experiences and hardships and everything I’m doing now and how none of that would happen if I didn’t injure myself. Everything I do now on hankfittraining started because of my injuries and all the hardships from when I was younger. I am so appreciative and grateful for starting this last year. It has brought me some of the most amazing memories and connections that I will cherish forever.
My sense of purpose and fulfillment is much of the same, I still want to try and train, I love it too much. But, I know eventually I would have to move on if my shoulder can’t hold up. But doing all the things I do on hankfittraining, trying to build my brand up, trying to get the clothing component going so I can give back to the community the way I’ve dreamt about for so long are all my new goals and my new purpose that I’m currently pursuing.
Although sometimes I feel like I don’t know if I’m on the right path but I am passionate about this right now. And if I am passionate about something then I’m obsessed, and if I’m obsessed I will try my hardest to make it the best it can be.
I want to try and be there and assist as many people as I can, in my own way. Because at one point someone was doing that for me and it’s my duty as human to pass that on. This fire within has always been there, but I think it’s slowly getting stronger and stronger and stronger. Which is why I’m build this.
If you’ve read this far into part 2 of my “why”, sorry to bore you, sorry it’s long but hopefully now you have a better understanding of who I am, what I stand for and why I do what I do.
Part 3 ( If you want to continue reading…)
So when I updated part 2, my shoulder was kind of bugging me. I decided to start training this year (2018) in April but unfortunately 6 weeks in, my shoulder started hurting again. For 2 months (May-July) I wasn’t able to do much.
I’ve decide to stop doing damage to my body and quit paddling, which has been a real struggle.
I feel like I never even had a paddling “career”, while I was slowly working hard to climb the ranks, I injured myself, and I never really was the same. I haven’t been able to get any faster in the past 3 years because every attempt of training was ruined by my fragile body.
So I’m feeling lost.
I was totally obsessed with the sport, it was everything to me.
Regret, emptiness, feeling of void.
I try not to think about these things but sometimes the emotions just hit me. I’m appreciative and grateful for everything in my life and I understand I can’t live in the past but a big part of me hasn’t let go of everything that happened. And I think only time will heal that.
And I’m not exactly sure what I want to do next. I’m extremely passionate about a lot of things I do but that little part of me still hasn’t let go of it, and it sucks because sometimes I just feel emptiness.
Although that dream of mine is dead for now, I don’t think my purpose has changed. I think everything I’ve gone through is setting me up for the next goal, idea, dream. But I haven’t defined it and that’s something I’m slowly working towards. I’m trying different things: videoing, basketball skills training, just trying to find what I really want to do.
Part 3 of my “why” isn’t really much but I really wanted to put this down somewhere so one day I can look back in the future.
The journey continues…..