I stopped trying to be skinny, and decided to be strong.
My name is Hana and I am studying a master in Clinical Neuroscience in London. I have always been interested in genetics and my love for fitness began in June 2016 after my body dysmorphia diagnosis. After months of self-destruction and feeling unworthy, I stopped the midnight 200 sit ups, eating catastrophically low calories daily and spending hours poking and prodding my body.
I have always been naturally petite and small and complimented on my dainty figure by family and relatives. As of South Asian descent, not only is your worth defined by your education and social status but your size. Unfortunately, the smaller and more feminine you are, the prettier you are seen in societies eyes and the greater the chance you have of leading a happy life. A slightly outdated procedure to live by, my parents though modern, praised me always on being slim and would, without the intent to harm or upset, comment if I gained weight.
Naturally, I joined university and the late nights and midnight takeaways took their toll and I piled on the kilos. I was encouraged by my parents to take a healthy approach to get back to my dainty state. I had also started Belly dancing and made my way up the hierarchy and became president of my society. As with belly dancing, you have your belly on show and as I was representing my society I wanted to look as aesthetically pleasing as possible. In a year, I took the ridiculous and dangerous approach of eating less and exercising more which caused my weight to drastically drop from 56kg to a mere 41kg, but frankly I looked horrendous. I looked tired, lumpy, weak, miserable and there wasn’t an ab in sight. My body was making excess fat to keep me warm, my body was fighting back at my own self destruction. Within my dance society I promoted self love and body positivity, encouraging my dancers to love their curves and made sure they ate before we performed- I did not take heed of my own advice and would starve myself 3 days before we performed so I would look my definition of “perfect”.
I kept up my cheerful disposition and hid my secret from my housemates, my dancers, my best friend and my at the time boyfriend. My relationship ended and my insecurities, breakdowns over calories and eating in public consumed me, and eventually someone noticed. I was called to my universities Health and Wellness department as an anonymous concern had been raised about my weight drop and behaviour. After speaking to a psychologist, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia and started rehabilitation. It was a process of accepting yourself as a beautiful individual and eating for strength, not for the aesthetic measure. In my final year of university in September 2016, I entered my gym wide eyed and afraid and went to the weight area and began my journey. I then stopped being skinny and decided to be strong. I told my friends, my parents and my ex (who is one of my closest friends now) my secret and they have all made my journey of recovery so much easier. Till this day I still do not know who raised that concern, but I thank you so much.
Since June 2016, I have been lifting and I absolutely love it. I think there is no better feeling than making a heavy lift with perfect form. It is euphoric and I have captured my progression on my Instagram. My calluses are a definition of strength and heavy deadlifts, my donated size 2 jeans are a sign of recovery and the smile on my face is the happy Hana that loves to lift heavy and inspire a community of women to not be afraid of their own strength.
Though in my parent’s eyes, the sight of my biceps bulging, the sight of my peeling calluses, and the occasional chalk on my face does worry them, I say this. Every time I lift heavy, step onto the platform and tighten my powerlifting belt-that is my recovery and therapy. There is no drug, wise voice or inspirational Instagram quote that has helped me more than ditching the diet and lifting weights. I love my parents with all my heart and they themselves have seen how happy I am in life when I work out regularly. At 5ft3 and 53kg, I’m deadlifting 95kg, bench pressing 35kg and squatting 75kg-4 years ago I would have shuddered at the thought of lifting and now I occasionally hi 5 and pat myself on the back.
To other females whose parents are concerned here is my advice, your parents love you and want what is best for you. Society and news unfortunately does not share the benefits of lifting and weight training in women so rather than argue, educate them. And to my South Asian sisters, your self worth is not defined by the size of your waist line or the number on the scale-it is by the purity of your heart and the kindness you share to others.
I want to continue getting stronger, I want to continue testing my body’s potential within reason and continue celebrating my strength and recovery. I say this to anyone feeling unsure or insecure about trying weights or transitioning to lifting heavy: Your body is so much more capable than you know and you are the ruler of your own universe.
I’m just a tiny scientist, lifting heavy, loving large, with the greatest smile on my face as I walk out with my gym bag on my shoulder and my lab book in hand. Start your journey now and live for today.
Hana Baakza, Fitness Enthusiast (@theactivepeanut)
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com