9 boats, 9 athletes, 1 race.
Different emotions: excitement, nervousness, fear, happiness.
I don’t even remember what I felt when I had to line up beside names like Craig Spence, Drew Hodges, Evan Bezemer, Jeremy Stott and Tom Hall for the first time, or against some of the fast guys in BC. I mean absolutely no offense to the people I didn’t mention but racing for BC meant you were always in lanes 4 and 5, which meant you had to line up beside the fastest people in Canada, and I always remember lining up beside those guys for some reason, guys who have been paddling for over a decade, guys who have represented Canada internationally, guys who were really fucking fast.
So what did I feel in that moment? Being that kid who have been training for a few months and just turned 18?
Not fear, but excitement. What did I have to lose?
My first experience racing against people from across the country came in 2013 when I had the chance to go to Canada Games. I was there for team boats (C4) and somehow my coach convinced me to race the C1 5KM. I told my coach, “are you crazy?”, no way I’m going to do that. Have you seen me? Have you seen those guys that are racing? It’s not that I didn’t have confidence, it was me facing the reality that I’ve only been paddling for a few months at the time. Craig Spence, Drew Hodges, Michael Rashotte, Tyler Lefley, Robin Kendall, Tom Sherwin were the names, 2 of those guys just went to Senior World’s this year in 2017. Hell no, I didn’t want to race against these guys.
My coach said, “what do you have to lose, you’re here.”
Woah. He was right. What did I have to lose? I was here, wasn’t I there to race? Didn’t I train in the past few months to be in the position to race against these people? What did I have to be afraid of?
To be honest I was a little afraid, it was a pretty windy day on Lac Des Nations that day in Sherbrooke (at least for me it was), and I was not the best at steering. And I want to exemplify the fact that these guys were really fast, I didn’t know a lot of paddling names at the time except some of the Olympians, but in my race were a few names that have crossed my ears, I just knew they were quick.
But racing that day was single handedly the best decision I’ve ever made.
Wednesday August 14, 3:00pm, I knelt there in my canoe at the start line, extremely excited, maybe a little nervous and then the horn went off. Those guys blasted off the line. I mean I never seen such strong starts before. 4 strokes in, Calgary’s boat cut in front of me, I didn’t have the opportunity to get out of the way and I hit and tipped him in. I felt really bad but all I heard was my coach yelling, “keep going Hank keep going.” Never got the chance to apologize but I’m sorry. So I kept paddling, what seemed like 10 seconds into the race and those top guys were already at the end of the lake. I knew I wasn’t going to win but at the same time I didn’t really care. I just told myself I’m going to go hard, do the best I can do, paddle the way that I know how.
How the 5km race course worked was we had to do a 1000m loop, then we did 250m loops. I just remember the wash, and the wind, both crashing into my boat, disrupting my balance and stability causing me to feather (to stay afloat) at times. When I hit those 250m loops the only goal had in mind was, “don’t get lapped, don’t get lapped”, also “don’t fall in.”
I accomplished both those goals. But there was more to that and it was something that holds a special place in my heart, a huge reason why I’m paddling today.
While each province finished 1 by 1, and I was all alone on the race course, this sudden roar of applause and cheer started coming from the stands (maybe it wasn’t a roar but to me it was really loud). Words like “let’s go Hank, let’s go BC, come on Hank keep going” and just this excitement in the air.
I’ve never felt goose bumps like that before in my life, especially not during any sort of high exertion activity. That moment was so special to me.
So me being me, hearing those cheers, I had to do my pick up, I had to finish the race hard even though it was just me. There’s a picture of me taken by Matt Abbott after the race and I have my tongue sticking out, I was dead tired.
I came last, but I was happy.
Then something special happened after too, while I was doing my cool down, the winner Drew Hodges paddled past me and said “Hey I heard you’ve been only paddling for less than a year, you should be happy and proud that you are here.” I immediately said “thank you” but nothing else. I never met this person before and this is what he says? This guy that just won the 5k acknowledged this nobody? That’s what I thought. But what I didn’t realize is that’s what sports about, sports is about supporting each other with your dreams, that passion uniting everyone to come together for a greater purpose.
Two weeks later I raced again, this time at Nationals. And this time I had to line up against those people I mentioned earlier but this time it was shorter distances, the 200m, 500m and the 1000m. Racing there again I lost so bad, my 500m/1000m I got washed out (the waves that the racing canoe make), and it was impossible to steer, or even paddle properly. I finished WAY behind everyone else.
I came last again, but I was psyched. Why?
I never felt excitement like that before, never felt the urgency to want to become better, it ignited a fire within that I never had.
After that trip, despite losing as bad as I did, despite the fact that I could’ve been down at myself and quit and never jump back in a boat again, I fell absolutely in love with the sport. I wanted to become better, I wanted to go faster, I made paddling my all, made it a dream and a passion that I wanted to pursue.
You see, people say “you win or you lose”, but what I like better is “you win or you learn.” And I feel like I’m always learning, and have been for the past 4 years because I’ve never won, but that’s what I’m chasing.
Every start line I’ve lined up at since then I’ve had different feelings, different emotions but what I realized is that despite the national team member lining up beside me, I’m racing for me, I’m racing to see where I am, I’m racing to see results of the hard work I put in. Being in lane 4 and 5 now, I’m actually thrilled. It’s the one chance to see where I line up beside those guys, to see my hard work pay off, to feel that urgency to want to become better.
There have been some set backs in the past 4 years, a lot of moments where I wasn’t there mentally or physically because of injuries, moments where I couldn’t really race the way I wanted, or see the progression that I made. But that sense of desperation to want to become better and the love for the sport keeps bringing me back.
There have been races where I would be upset immediately after, but a few days or a few weeks later I would use it to motivate and fuel me, and I think that’s the biggest thing, to use your failures to push you to become better, stronger, and faster.
So what I want to say is, don’t be afraid to line up on that start line despite who’s beside you, despite what you feel.
If you are on that start line, just be proud and embrace the moment, make it yours.
Photo by Montreal In Pictures.