I’m just going to start out by saying… I am not a blog writer nor am I good at essays… but here we are! Also, I will be getting into some mental health talk, suicide talk, self-harm, eating disorders, so please don’t continue reading if these sorts of things trigger you.
Let’s start out with a bit of my background story. My name is Noriko. I am a 20 (AND ¾’s). I grew up in the most beautiful town on Vancouver Island called Ucluelet. I am the youngest child in my family and the only girl (yes, I am a princess). The town I grew up in was very small, a population of around 1,500 people. My high school graduation class was a solid 23 kids from Ucluelet and Tofino… everybody knew each other’s business.
From the ripe age of 5 I started my soccer career with the dreams of going pro… that did NOT happen. Since the town was oh so small, I ended up having to travel a lot out of town to play and at the highest level I was playing for a team that was based out of a city an hour and a half away. I played soccer up until the age of 15 and then ultimately gave up the sport when the league died off and the travelling became too hard.
I rejoined high school in grade 9 after being homeschooled for 5 years and found myself with some new sporting opportunities. In grade 10 I started playing volleyball, both indoor and beach, as well as badminton (don’t hate it’s so fun). My second year of high school volleyball I was named captain and that titled remained until my final game of my senior year.
Senior year for me was one of the toughest years of my life. For as long as I can remember I always struggled with my mental health. I started self-harming from the age of 13, I would spend days in bed not wanting to get up, I would lash out at friends and family. It wasn’t until I was 17 that I knew I needed to do something about this. When my last volleyball game of my high school ended, I was lost. We had made it to provincials for the first time in our school’s history and I was coming off such a high. Then things really started to go downhill.
I still remember the day. It was a Wednesday and I was going for my driver’s test. I ended up not passing the test and just remember going to my room and shutting the door and crying. At this point in time I was not in a good place mentally, I had really been struggling, but no one knew this. That day I ended up trying to overdose on a bunch of medications. I remember taking the pills, falling asleep and feeling at peace. The next thing I knew I woke up and started throwing up and not being able to stop. To this day only a handful of people know about this, I never even told my family.
After this happened, I knew I had to go get some help. I dragged myself to the family doctor and broke down. After this visit I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (my family had a big history of mental health problems, so this wasn’t really a surprise). My doctor put me on some anti-depressants that I have been taking on and off since this age.
Post high school I took a year off to work and figure out what in the hell I was doing with my life. I moved to a different town and start going to a local gym. This is where I found my passion and THE BEST medication ever. Working out and lifting weights was my happy place. No matter what the day had brought me, going to the gym always helped. From this point on I knew I wanted to work in the health and fitness industry.
I made the decision to move to Vancouver to get my personal training certificate. It was never something I thought I would do and it’s funny because when I was about 14 my dad’s trainer was the one who told me that I should be a trainer as well. Flash forward to September of 2017 and that was the start of my fitness career.
After I finished the certification in April 2018, I knew I wanted more. I was going to move home for the summer since my lease was up and I wanted to live at home rent free, but after the summer was over, I decided to head back to school to get my nutrition diploma. In September 2018 I moved to North Vancouver and started my journey to get my Registered Holistic Diploma and start making a name for myself in the fitness industry.
Now here comes the part about how I started competing in Bikini shows… I gained a lot of weight in the summer of 2018… Like a lot, I was the heaviest I had EVER been. The whole summer I was working 50+ hours a week, eating like shit, and not working out. I did not realize how much weight I had gained until I started school again. For those of you who don’t know I am a solid 4 feet 10 inches aka VERY SMALL. Post summer I was weighing in at just over 130 pounds which is a lot for me and my tiny frame.
My relationship with food and my weight had always been a struggle for me. I used to starve myself to try to lose weight. I was OBSESSED with being as small as possible. I wanted to be skinny. I have a pretty solid and big build for someone my size (thanks dad) and was often teased about having thunder thighs. I always thought I needed to be less than 100 pounds to be happy and to look the part. My weight has always fluctuated all over the place and I had never been a confident person. I had a lot of insecurity issues. I was never the pretty girl that boys wanted to date, I was one of the boys (I literally played on a guy’s soccer team for multiple years).
After I moved back to Vancouver I started working as a trainer for a lady who does bikini competitions as well as she coaches a lot of clients to compete. She brought up the idea of me competing and I just brushed that off. I though “There’s NO way would I ever be able to do that.” I never in a millon years had ever thought about doing bikini competitions. I loved being able to lift super heavy and just wanted to look swole af.
After thinking a lot about it and realizing I did need to start doing something about my weight gain I decided to commit to competing. In January of 2019 I made the decision to start my prep for a show at the end of April. I knew it was something I wanted to do for ME, and I wanted to push myself to see what I could really do. I started my prep about 14 weeks out and what a journey it was.
I was in the gym for 2-3 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, spending hours meal prepping as well as I was still in school and working. It was the most challenging thing I have ever done. I gained so much respect for people who compete in this sport. Throughout my whole prep I went through a lot of ups and downs, I had some breakdowns, I wanted to give up. I ultimately ended up going through the whole prep to step on stage and took home 4th place in novice bikini.
I had never felt so proud of myself. To stand on stage in front of so many people, half naked, so vulnerable, and to be judged at the same time was a lot. But I had a lot of support from friends and family. I walked away with so many new friends, so much more confidence, and got to eat a BOMB ass burger post show.
From the start of prep, I ended up losing over 20 pounds and over 10% of body fat. I weighed in at 103 pounds on stage day and let me tell you something… as shredded as I looked, I actually HATED it. I knew from the start it was not a maintainable physique, but I was shocked to see myself so small and was like “wow okay I actually want to gain some weight back.”
One of the main take-aways from the whole experience was me really finding myself and feeling proud of what I was able to do. I didn’t care what other people thought or where the judges placed me. I was happy that I was able to go through with something like this. It really opened my eyes up to taking care of myself not just physically, but mentally. I realized that I’m not weak, that just because I have had my share of personal struggles in life, it doesn’t mean I can’t move past them.
Now sitting at 2 months post-show I just started prep for another two shows in October. I’m sitting at a healthy weight and feeling great. I’m almost done my Diploma and looking forward to starting my fitness career here in Vancouver. I still have my days of not always feeling the best, sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. But what I’ve learned in this past year is to listen to my body and take care of myself. I’ve learned that every day is a new opportunity to grow and to better myself.
If you’ve made it all the way to the end, I would just like to say thanks for taking the time to read! If you want to follow me in my fitness journey follow me on instagram @noriko_fit. I’ll end this here with a little quote that’s played a big part in my journey:
“It’s all about progress, not perfection.”
Noriko Nakagawa, BCRPA CPT
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com