It crept up on me and completely blind sided me. I didn’t know where it came from and why this was happening to me. I’ll never forget hearing the words,
“You have anorexia, and you are deep deep in it”.
This was the scariest day of my life.
It started simple.. a desire to be thin and a “passion” for the gym and living a “healthy” lifestyle. I had lost 20 pounds from my Freshman season and I was quite content with my weight.. however it soon became not enough… I was hungry for more and got addicted to results. I realized how easy it was to restrict and control my weight that it became an obsession.. an obsession to be thin and to be in control.
Looking back, I started changing my attitude towards food and anything that involved food come my Sophomore year of University. My eating disorder rapidly progressed ever since, not being able to attend social events involving food, constantly obsessing over my calorie intake for the day, and doing everything in my power to eat as little as possible. I would revolve my entire day around the gym, pushing myself to extremes that were perceived by others as “hard work” and “heart” but deep down I knew that it wasn’t either.
It was an addiction, and obsession, to feel a sense of accomplishment and control while wrecking my body in the process.
Before experiencing anorexia, I thought mental illness only had emotional repercussions, but I can honestly say that I was physically a mess, I had hit rock bottom. I battled dizzy spells, shaking, heart palpitations, cold sweats, numbing/tinging throughout my body, only to be informed at diagnosis of how close I came to a hypoglycaemic coma a number of times.
I was so sick, I looked sick.
I became extremely depressed and lived a life driven off anxiety and guilt. I began calculating my self worth by the number that appeared on the scale and completely lost who I was. Anorexia completely took over my life, losing friends, self-esteem, and the game I loved so so much and had such a strong love for; basketball.
I walked away from my dream of playing Division 1 basketball, and later, walked away from the game as a whole, because being thin and burning calories was the only thing I had any interest in doing and became my top priority.
The only reason I stuck out my University career as long as I did was because I viewed basketball as a way to burn calories but the commitment and structure of not being able to control when I would burn those calories drove me to step away. I remember waking up every morning before 7am practice and running for 40minutes on the treadmill just to ensure that I burned enough for the day so I could eat guilt free and feel worthy of life that day.
For many many years, basketball was a huge part of my life, it was something I could turn to and count on to get me through the tough times, high school friend drama etc, and was something that genuinely made me happy.
Anorexia completely took that away from me. I never wanted to touch a basketball again let alone be in a gym again.
I was no longer Nicole…
I didn’t know who I was anymore and what my purpose was. I thrived off compliments on my slenderness, but that was only fueling the sickness. I lived off binging, guilt, and purging through excessive exercise. Although I physically looked what society would classify as “fit and healthy”, I was anything but. I was completely damaging my body, restricting myself of the nutrients and compassion my body deserved. I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities.
Anorexia robbed me of my self-esteem, self-confidence, and morals and values I once held so close to my heart. It consumed me… until November 12, 2018 when I surrendered. I didn’t want to live this kind of life anymore. I got so caught up in society’s standard of beauty that I completely lost control. I went from living life, to just existing, trying to get by with as little calorie consumption as possible.
I wanted my life back and am still in the process of finding Nicole again.
For me, the first step was acceptance. Embrace you’re eating disorder with love and compassion and remember that you’re eating disorder required so much of your will power and discipline to get into, that you have the same power and strength to get out. Remember, women started developing eating disorders when our culture developed a standard of beauty that couldn’t be obtained by being healthy. When unnatural thinness became attractive, girls did unnatural things to be thin & for this, we owe the utmost amount of compassion, empathy, and love to ourselves. One thing that helped me cope with this diagnosis was reading others’ recovery stories. I took and continue to take comfort in knowing that I am not alone which inspired me to share my story.
#RoadToRecovery #GoodByeAna
Nicole Vander Helm, Former Collegiate Basketball Player.
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com