When I am asked how I got started with fitness my answer is always reflected on growing up around the gym my family manages in my small town.
The beginning of my story is not as simple as that.
At a very early age I was painfully insecure. From what I can remember my battle with self-sabotage and body shaming started in the 8th grade. Most of my life I was homeschooled, rarely exposed to the reality of being judged or feeling poorly towards my outward appearance. As I entered public school I was soon in the midst of hallways heavy with gossip, whispers and unaccepting crowds.
I had never had any sort of unusual eating habits before this time. I typically didn’t pay attention to what I ate or when I ate it. Like any younger teenager I would have whatever was on my plate. Come high school things started to change. I began to take notice not only how I looked, but how others looked at me. I was always self-conscience, and my lacking self-worth presented itself in many areas of my life. I was terrified of speaking in front of crowds.
Something as small as my teachers asking me a question and drawing any sort of attention on me in front of the class made my heart stop and my throat close. Any kind of project that required getting up in front of the classroom was my worst nightmare. I was consumed with the concept that I would not meet the unrealistic standards on how I wanted others to perceive me.
I was never happy, constantly imprinting the ideas that I was not enough.
I told myself I was ugly. I told myself I was not worth it. I convinced myself that I was not worth fighting for. Tearing myself down and comparing myself to other girls in my grade, girls in the gym, even comparing myself to my own sister was only a scratch on the surface of what my toxic thoughts were about to do to my body. I had never been overweight, in fact I’ve always kept a fairly petite shape on my 5’4” frame.
The problem was never really about my weight. The struggle I faced came from a much more complex and deeper rooted issue. The ignorance of my suffering mental health.
Nobody had ever known about my bulimia.
Growing up in a house of 6 you would think someone would pick up on what I was doing. The thing about me is I am a master of masking my emotions. It has always been a struggle for me to voice how I feel, and let my guard down. Having a closed off demeanor, I never reached out for help. When I threw up, I would either tell my family I was going to have a shower, or I would turn on the faucet like I was washing my face to drown out the noise. My first experience with bulimia I told myself it was just the one time, “to make myself feel better”. The issue with feeling better afterwards, is that I did. And that feeling became addicting.
Putting myself in physical pain was a relief of my mental pain. As messy as it sounds, I felt so empty, and wanted the rest of me to feel empty as well.
This habit continued for several years. Yes I was lifting weights and going to the gym at this time, but I never got the sense of stress relief the way I craved. If I felt insecure, the only way I knew how to cope would be to throw up.
The thing about my eating disorder never had anything to do with food at all. It was all the demons in my head. It was my dark inner voices talking to me. Voices I was never strong enough to shut out.
Even after high school when I distanced myself from uncomfortable social settings my bulimia continued. I had been living with my boyfriend at the time who was heavily into fitness. He would compete in bodybuilding competitions and of course I would go to the shows and support him. Without taking notice, this was where my mindset began to change. Walking through the hallways of the competitions there was so much excitement.
The faces of every competitor I came across, although depleted, looked genuinely happy.
They each had a sparkle in their eye.
It was a fire I saw. A fire I wanted. The fire of accomplishment.
Whenever I got asked, I would claim I did not want to compete. My excuses were that my body was not ready, I did not have enough muscle and I could not get up on stage in front of so many people.
Come December 2015, my boyfriend had been getting ready to prep for his next show, The Leigh Brandt Muscle Classic 2016. Through much contemplation I decided I would do the diet portion with him “just to see” how I liked it.
Entering a competition prep, there is no choice but to use your food as fuel.
You must keep your meals consistent and balanced in order to prepare your body to reach its optimal state for show day. Suddenly, my food had a purpose. This I knew, and was a huge factor in why I decided to go through with competing. Whether it was because I wanted to look like the girls on stage or because I desperately needed a saving grace from my unhealthy habits I don’t know.
I no longer had the choice to throw up. I set a goal for myself, and made the choice to stick with it.
Competing meant so much more to me than a first place trophy.
It was the start of my recovery.
It was the stepping stone I needed to pull me out of the hole I was stuck in for years.
It taught me resilience.
It taught me that I can hold my own hand through fire.
Through competing I found an inner drive that I never knew existed. The 4 months it took to prepare for that show was 120 days of working on my self-worth. It was 120 days of building my confidence through heels. 120 days of mental focus through extensive cardio. 120 days of willpower through keeping all my food in. 120 days of telling myself that yes I was worth it.
I was worth fighting for.
When I am asked about when my fitness journey started, it was not when I started lifting weights. It started when I took the steps to change my mindset just shy of 19 years old.
Fitness is not just about your body. It is all about your mind.
It is the voice in your head that tells you that you are capable of anything. You are worth the sweat, and the struggle. Regardless of how you look, your mindset is what matters most. Having a healthy inside is what is going to get you to having a healthy outside.
It all starts in your mind.
Alia Dunnill, Fitness Model and Personal Trainer.
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com.