I fell in love with basketball at the age of nine. Since then, it has been a sport that has run through my entire family’s veins. I grew up playing multiple sports, but at the age of fourteen, I quit my other sports so that I could focus solely on basketball. Fast forward to four years later, I am now playing basketball at the University of the Fraser Valley. But, throughout those four years I went through many challenges regarding mental health.
In September of my Senior year I was diagnosed with depression. That previous summer I had been playing for a club basketball team called “VK Basketball.” It had been a really hard summer for me and I was able to understand why a couple months later.
Summertime and AAU season was usually my favourite time of the year. I had the opportunity to play with a great program that took us to New York, Philadelphia, California, and LA. I had the chance to play the sport I loved alongside some of my best friends. But, that summer seemed different to me. I wasn’t able to enjoy myself on many on the trips and most of the time I wanted to be at home. My confidence in my basketball skills had gone down significantly and I would barely even shoot the ball. If I made a little mistake it would effect me so much that I would cry on the court or the bench because I was so disappointed in myself. It got to the point that my coaches had a meeting with me to see what was going on. I had no clue what was happening to my self-esteem, happiness, and confidence. After that meeting I went to my parents room and I just cried. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
After AAU season was over, it was time to get back to the grind. It was my Senior year so I wanted to get the best grades I could get and go play at a good school. Finally, one night I was able to tell my mom about how sad, lonely, and confused I was feeling and we went to see my family doctor. But, honestly, when I got diagnosed with depression things did not get easier. I had to quit my fall training program, start going to therapy, and learn a lot more about myself and my depression. Therapy didn’t end up working out for me so I started to try medication. This was a hard hit to my basketball life because I lost the urge to go to practice and I stopped wanting to get in extra shots. Basketball became more of a chore then a passion for me. In the end, my senior season didn’t go as planned, (we did not make it to Provincials), but I committed to UFV and was excited to start a new chapter.
This brings us to the present. I’m from Richmond so I moved to Abbotsford and into an apartment with my sister. Moving away from home was really tough for me. My first couple of weeks in Abbotsford I was a mess. I missed my parents and their support and faith in me. I had to cook, clean, do laundry, go to school, and practice all on my own. My first pre-season tournament was in Alberta and when we were waiting for our plane to go home in the airport my coach talked to me. Already in the beginning of the season my coach could tell something was wrong with me. That weekend I let my thoughts overwhelm me and it effected my performance. I was incredibly upset with myself, but still the hardest thing to this day is trying to explain how I am feeling to someone else. I still feel that the only people that can fully understand me are people that have been through similar things. My coach decided that he was going to contact my parents and ask them if there was anything that they could tell him that would help me out. I’m not quite sure if he actually ended up contacting them but I thought it was a nice gesture.
Throughout the first couple of weeks of our season I was doing pretty good. As a rookie, I know I can’t expect myself to be the star I was on my high school team, but there’s a part of me that always wants to be. I tend to have been hard on myself since I was young. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the games that have ended up being the hardest, it has been the practices. Like most University’s we practice everyday, and every few weeks there would be a day where my depression almost controls my brain; Or that’s what it feels like. There was a workout where I had to make 100 three pointer’s which I had done many times to train the previous couple of years. But, that day my shooting wasn’t on and it was taking me a really long time to finish. I started to break down in the middle of the drill which was a really embarrassing moment for me. I ended up finishing and walked out on the gym into the bathroom. I cried in the bathroom for about twenty minutes before going into my team room to get ready for practice. I ended up calming myself down and went through a two hour practice. Unfortunately the worst part about my breakdowns is when they are over, they really aren’t. It can effect me for hours to days. Sometimes I’ll feel really down for a couple days in a row, and this is when I tend to nap a lot, lose my appetite, and lose the desire to pretty much do anything. Thankfully, I’ve gotten better at handling my situations because I have many people that I can talk to about my problems since I have opened up with my struggle with mental illness.
Everyday is a new battle for me. I could wake up happy or wake up and not want to do anything. Since I’ve moved, I have upped the dosage of my medication because of all of the changes. My depression is still the biggest barrier in my life but I have accepted that and know that it will continue to be in my future.
With the #Bellletstalk movement coming up, I have been thinking a lot more about mental health and the huge effect it has on people. Many people that haven’t experienced mental health issues don’t realize the significant effect that it has on athletes. Mental illnesses can be experienced by many athletes but they are not talked about enough. If someone on a team is physically injured it tends to be looked at way more than when someone is mentally “injured.” Mental and physical issues should be treated at equal value regarding sports. This can happen by more athletes and coaches talking about the importance of mental health. Ever since opening up about my own journey, I now know that so many more people that have been through similar situations, which makes me feel a lot more comfortable about my depression. I think that educating people on mental illness, embracing your struggles, and learning about these will be able to help many more people. Sharing my story was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but looking back at it I am so happy that I have. I am proud to be me, and have embraced the fight. A very important thing that I learned while going through my battle with depression is that my mental health comes before everything. In the past I was putting basketball and others before that, both very significant things to me, but it was only making me worse. What I love about writing is that I am able to remind myself about how hard I have worked to be where I am. My hope is that more people are able to reach out to me to talk about anything. I have been through a lot, and I want to be able to help people through their struggles and remind them that they aren’t alone.
Abby Zawada, UFV Women’s Basketball Player.
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com