I’ve never really done anything like this. I’ve always been given some sort of guidance on what to write or speak about, but when Hank and told me to write about whatever I wanted to, I thought “oh this would be easy.” So I started writing a motivational paragraph about what it’s like to start from the bottom and slowly work way up to the top, never giving up embedded with all those motivational quotes. Basically what every athlete talks about post-game interview and what not. When I finished the project and started rereading it I was totally unhappy with it.
Don’t get me wrong, everything I wrote about was true and from the heart, but it was just so cliché. So I decided to write about what most athletes don’t talk about, the numerous times I have cried my self to sleep. The times that I wanted to quit so badly and become a normal teenager, the times I thought that I would never be good enough for the sport and so much more.
My name is Andrea Jerom. I’m 19 years old born and raised in Toronto, Canada. Currently studying at the University of Toronto doing my undergrad in psychology. I am on Team Canada for the sport of Taekwondo fighting in the -53 kg women’s division. Unfortunately I don’t have the archetypal story of starting the sport at a young age and falling in love with it the moment I started. I started the sport at the awkward pre pubescent age of 11, where I was standing at a height of 5’6 and weighing about 80 pounds. My body was still getting used to my height leading me to be an absolute klutz.
My little brother was a super star when it came to sports, every weekend he would be bringing home some sort of trophy or medal. I wouldn’t say I became jealous of him but more along the lines of wanting to be like him. I know it’s strange for an older sister to admit such things, but I just wanted to feel that sense of accomplishment as well. So I told my mother to sign me up for every sport available. I did skating, grabbed on to my other teammates for balance. I played soccer, scored on my own net one too many times. Tried volleyball, ran into the net so many times I’m pretty sure I got a concussion. I even did competitive swimming and nearly drowned every other class. But then I started basketball, now that I think about it I wasn’t good at all, I was just the tallest in the league and could get all the rebounds. But my coaches and teammates adored me because I was their star player. I had finally found my niche. I pictured being in the WNBA, dreamed of meeting Michael Jordan, I even started dressing like a basketball player daily.
Then one day my mom took me to a Taekwondo class, the moment I walked in I was overwhelmed with all the yelling and kicking. Did my first class and was absolutely terrible. My balance was horrendous, my kicks were flimsy and I would constantly trip over my own feet trying to follow the complex footwork. It was a disaster, but my mother forced me to stick to it.
I remember going to class being the only one without any friends. Sitting in the change room all alone literally staring at everyone talking to each other, eagerly hoping that someone would acknowledge my existence.
I had just wanted to fit in so badly.
Fast forward a month or two to the day that I had first started sparring, I was pretty excited to start fighting but of course I didn’t show it, because nothing is more lame than a teenage girl showing emotion am I right? Well all that excitement came to a halt when my Master partnered me with a boy we are going to call Bob for the sake of privacy. Bob was a massive, hockey playing teenage boy who also did Taekwondo. Everyone was scared of him with his deep yells and powerful kicks, including 11 year old lanky Andrea, terrified actually. But something kicked in, I don’t remember what exactly happened, all I remember was a loud bang and Bob on the ground crying. With the eyes of my teammates on me with utter disbelief. I don’t think its even possible to explain how I felt, proving everyone wrong, doing the impossible, the adrenaline rush, and ever since that day I have craved it more and more.
Fast forward a couple years after being on the National Team for a few years representing Canada at numerous events such as World Championships, Youth Olympic games, PanAmerican Championships and many more. This is where we talk about the time I first ever wanted to quit. Surprisingly it was not after a loss that I wanted to quit.
It was the day my best friend stopped being my best friend. I had recently switched high schools to one that was more supportive of my training and competition schedule. I still lived in the same city so I thought that I would not miss my friends as much. But with all the training, competition, school and traveling it made it almost impossible to hang out with my friends. But I could accept that because I was happy that at least I had these people in my life whether I see them or not.
That was up until my best friend sent me a text that said,
“I am done trying, it’s impossible”.
The girl who would sit in awkward silence on the swings with me at lunch, just feeling the wind in our hair. The girl that I would help cheat on biology tests, the girl that shaved off half of my hair, the girl that I planned on moving in with, the girl that held my chin up when I was at my worst, the girl who wiped my tears away. But most importantly the girl who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life loving eternally, had stopped trying. I think I read that text over 100 times, tears running down my eyes. I thought that Taekwondo was the reason for this, Taekwondo is taking away the people that I love most, but after a month I realized something. A true friend will support you through it all, and understand that your goals come first, and if they cannot understand that then I guess it was never meant to be. Unfortunately we never recovered from that text, but I guess it’s okay, it made me stronger and into the person that I am today.
Growing up I had always been insecure about my skin. I had always wanted to be lighter and condemned my dark complexion. I remember sitting in class one day doing my work, when I over hear my friend say to another boy that she was going “to get Andrea to beat you up”.
His response was what contributed to the beginning of my self-loathing at my early teenage years.
He responded, “What’s a little Indian girl going to do?”
Rage, embarrassment, anguish and self-hatred all rushed to my body at once, but I brushed it off as if it was nothing. I think the hardest thing about my sport is that you are all alone, you step into that ring with the weight of the world on your shoulders, no one can help you or be there for you but yourself. You are the only one that knows how you feel, and you have to use that to your advantage. Every battle, every heart ache, every obstacle, you must face alone, and either it makes you or destroys you.
This one destroyed me for a while, being a South Asian in sport people always assume less of you.’ Stick to the books’ or ‘your body was just not made for sports’ are words that are all too familiar to me. It honestly made me feel worthless and as if I was not good enough. I would train so hard, blood, sweat and tears, only to be put down by the words of a teenage boy that would say anything to be cool. Yet I let it affect me, I cared so much about what people thought of me, I was beyond insecure. This went on for years up until the day a random stranger came up to me and gave me a business card. A business card for a modelling agency. My whole life turned upside down that day, some random person came up to me, and thought that I was model material. That woman will never know the confidence boost she gave me or the way that she changed my life.
Taekwondo has been such a rock for me in my life I truly do not know what I would do without it. It has made me the person I am today and made me realize who my true supporters are. I truly believe that it has made me love and appreciate myself a lot more. It has helped me get through the hardest parts of my life and has created some of the worst. But I would never go back and change a thing because it has done nothing but teach me, and that’s what life is all about learning and living. And remember, only when you have done everything you can do, that is when God will step in and do what you cannot do.
Andrea Jerom, Team Canada Taekwondo Athlete.
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com