I thought I was ugly and boring.
Like most teenage girls, I had never been a big fan of myself, especially of my body. I was short, pale, full of freckles, athletic but chubby. My life consisted of getting the best grades possible, working part-time, and playing soccer; or what I thought was the most average highschool existence ever. I felt like I was a shadow of what a person was supposed to be. One summer I had had enough, I decided to get skinny and muscular. I was tired of being tired of me. I thought if I became more physically attractive, I would become a more fun and interesting person as well.
So I did what everyone does when they want to get in shape. I started running long slow distances. I didn’t do any research into running technique or programming. All I knew was the top professional midfielders in soccer were running on average 12km per game so I figured jogging that distance would make me a better player and help me achieve my body image goals. I was running 5-12km, 4 times a week. I kept this up for a year.
But nothing changed. My body didn’t change. My skills as a soccer player didn’t change.
Then as I was preparing for open tryouts for my University’s soccer team, I suffered a 2nd degree, near 3rd degree, ankle sprain. The night before tryouts. I couldn’t walk properly for weeks, let alone get a shoe on my foot. I was devastated and lost. Soccer had been a constant in my life, it was the only thing I had been looking forward to in University.
That’s when I started looking elsewhere to fill the hole I was feeling.
Running wasn’t getting any results and competitive soccer was no longer an option. I wanted to stay active but as a busy student I didn’t have a flexible schedule or a car. What I did have access to was my University’s gym that was $25/semester. Cheap and conveniently located, I decided I was going to try weight lifting. So I bought a book on weightlifting and started youtubing “how to…” for everything. Like 90% of beginners I ended up doing a 5-Day bro split. Monday through Friday, I would wake up at 6am and be standing outside waiting for the staff to open the doors at 6:30am. The quietest time at the gym was from 6:30am to 7:30am where there were usually around 20 other people. Despite only having to get to class by 10am, I was resolute in getting up early because I was so embarrassed by my poor technique and weakness that I didn’t want to be there when it was busy.
Then slowly I started changing.
I got noticeably stronger. I went from being unable to bench press 20lbs to putting plates on barbells and learning how to deadlift. While I still wasn’t losing my chubbiness, I was gaining muscle and confidence. I went from feeling like an imposter to mentally correcting the form of the bro benching next to me.
It was through feeling inadequate and messing up big lifts that I was driven to master weightlifting. Lifting became a meditation. I would anchor myself in breathing, bracing, and movement. It was the one time of day I was totally self-centered and just focused on what I was feeling and doing. I wasn’t thinking about that essay that was due, that club meeting, or what I was doing with my life. Fitness and sport went from being an escape to becoming a means to ground myself in the real world. Through that process I came to recognize the skill and expertise it takes to master your body and how important it was. I also started recognizing how few people really knew their body’s mechanics.
As I started learning more and more about the human body, I began prioritizing my life. What was more important to me; a secure desk-bound job or being able to touch my toes? Saving for retirement or spending that money on mobility classes that returned my spine to it’s natural range of motion? What has a greater ROI, a bigger wallet or a functioning body? We rationalize abnormal health issues that come from modern daily living so much so that we have forgotten how our bodies were built to move. Yes, you should be able to sit in a deep squat with your heels on the floor. You should be able to bring your arms overhead. How can you have control over your life if you can’t even control your own body?
Little by little, movement was filling my life with a sense of purpose.
Now I don’t look at fitness as a means to change my body or how I feel. I see my gym time as an opportunity to learn and explore new techniques and skills to help me in my passions and my daily comfort. This mindset has led me to trying all sorts of things I thought I was too old for because I didn’t start when I was 6 years old. Things like Capoeira, gymnastics, dance, and my new love, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. My attitude now isn’t about looking hot but doing cool shit. For me, I don’t find material gifts like clothes and iPad’s as rewarding as say a month’s pass to yoga or private classes with my tumbling coach. I can’t take objects wherever I go. But I’ve always got a solid breakfall and a wicked rear naked choke up my sleeve.
As I work with clients now, one of my programming principles is using exercise to empower and show people just how incredible they already are with little or no work. So many people come up with excuses to not try something they’re not sure they can achieve when in reality they are already capable of accomplishing it. The only feeling that comes close to surprising yourself with your own abilities, is watching others discover themselves.
As for my original goals about changing my appearance? They’re still there but it’s not the focus anymore. They’re more like nice side-effects that occur on my journey to getting on weight for tournaments or from sprinting and power training phases. I’m still short, pale, full of freckles, athletic but a little less chubby. I’m okay with that because I’m more focused on impressing myself rather than impressing others. Now my fitness goals are about skills and performance; like hitting a new deadlift PR, fixing my half-guard for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and mastering the power clean. The older I become the better I feel and perform. I’m training for the person I want to be rather the person I think other people want me to be.
Not to brag but I think I’m pretty cute and interesting!
Catherine works as strength and conditioning coach with a focus on sports performance and mobility. Her philosophy is that pursuit of performance doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your body. She builds bodies that look good on the field and feel good off it.
Any individuals in sports and fitness who would like to share their voice, please submit to hank@hankfittraining.com