I want to talk about this “never ending cycle” which I found from battling through injuries, which has been my situation in the past 2 years.
As you may know, both fitness and sports are my passions, where I can find my sanity, where I can be free and at peace with myself. If you don’t know me or anything about me, please read my “why.”
So when I first tore my left rotator cuffs in July of 2015 and wasn’t able to do what kept me sane, what kept me happy, it got me extremely depressed. But if it’s something you love then you want to keep doing it, so I rehabbed and rehabbed from 2015-2016, had some ups and lows, and at one point I was training full time again, my shoulder was good to go. That lasted about 1.5-2 months from July to September in 2016, so almost a year after I first injured myself.
When I saw the light at the end of the tunnel after a year of battling against myself physically and mentally, my right shoulder gave out.
I had just finished a hard week and was extremely ecstatic. I got on the water Monday morning and took that first stroke, and felt this sharp pain. I knew I fucked up.
Turned out I tore my right rotator cuff as well.
And to be honest I wasn’t as upset this time, I kind of just laughed it off. This had to happen to me right?
I just lost everything I worked for in the past year, my strength, power, endurance, all the things I died working for, and now I have to take a step back again? Just when I was reaching the opening of that tunnel, it pushed me back down to the bottom again.
Like I said, I laughed.
This time around I know not to be stupid. I had to take care of it right away. When I first tore my left rotator cuff it took me almost 4 months to properly diagnosed it because I was extremely stupid and idiotic, I didn’t listen to my body and didn’t seek the proper guidance and help. And that was probably one of my biggest regrets, to not fix it right away. So this time around I told myself I was going to take care of it right away.
So it’s 2017 September now, it’s been such a long road. I still can’t believe I first injured myself 2 years ago. Time is flying. And in the past few months I’ve been trying to train, slowly building intensity and volume back up in my program, but my body just can not handle what it use to be able to, especially in the past 1.5 months where my shoulders were just so on and off, I had to take days/weeks off here and there.
It’s extremely frustrating, I worked so hard to even paddle again, I had to push myself not only physically but mentally to do what I love again. And it sucks. Especially to think that I’ve only been training for the sport for 4 years, and I’ve just spent the past 2 years rehabbing and injured, it hurts a lot.
At times I would break myself down mentally, that mental battle was a source of a lot of tears.
I didn’t have the opportunity to start training for the sport at 13 years old like most kids, I fell in love with it at 18 and although it’s true that I have confidence in myself but being injured destroyed the plans I set out for myself, and the goals I set for myself 4 years ago.
Writing this right now, my left shoulder hurts, and my right shoulder is sore and this is the “never ending circle” that I want to talk about. When I found the gym back in my teenage days, it was my escape, a place where I could release what I felt, place where my bad day would turn into a good day, a place where I found ‘me’. And then I found paddling and that became a dream and a passion that I wanted to pursue.
Whenever I would have bad training sessions on the water, I knew I could rely on the gym to release my anger.
So right now I’m having a bad day because my shoulder hurts and I can’t paddle, and the one place that brought me a lot of happiness is working out in the gym and I can’t do that either. So this “never ending cycle” is extremely vicious and mentally consuming. It will keep going round and round until you find a solution.
You might be depressed, you might be upset but you HAVE to find a way to break out of the cycle, distract yourself, keep yourself busy and find other sources of happiness so you can break out of it.
I’ve been a little upset lately because I’ve been stuck in this cycle. When I came back from racing I was a little depressed and a little unhappy. I’ve kept a positive attitude throughout most of the process but sometimes it all hits you and you break down.
I decided that I’m going to spend this free time to start my website, to start this platform that I believe in so that maybe someone reading this who’s going through the same situation as I am can find their peace.
Writing to you right now is one of my ways of breaking myself out of this cycle, at least temporarily. I’ve also been running a little, biking a little, played a little basketball but you have to find ways to break out of this cycle, you can’t be stuck in it. I’ve been stuck in it so many times and it’s not a place you want to be, it’s a really really low place to be. A place that I hope to never be in again.
I can only hope to trust those around me, keep trusting my rehab process so that one day I can diminish this cycle and never go back.
So to those who are at their lowest of lows like I’ve been in multiple times, there is a solution out there. There is a way to find yourself again, you just have to keep on exploring, keep on believing and keep on grinding.
I believe in you.
*I wrote this a month ago but never got the chance to look it over and edit it until now because I’ve been pretty busy.
I can happily say that as of now I am out of this cycle! I’m taking the next few months off of training and letting my shoulder heal properly (hopefully). I’ve been trying to come back and train with it for the longest time now, and I’ve finally decided that it was time for me to take that much needed time off.
I’m still keeping active, I’m running, lifting (as much as I can), playing basketball, and paddling for fun and maintaining that feeling.
It’s crazy the power of changing mindset. I go on the water probably 3x a week, but I just go out there to enjoy it, to enjoy every stroke, to enjoy my surroundings and it’s so calming and peaceful to not have to worry about “having to train.”
I’ve also been spending a lot of my free time reaching out to a bunch of different people and building this movement and platform that I have such passion for. If you’ve been following what I’m doing then you’ll have a good understanding of what I’m doing and trying to do.
I’ve also been at such peace because I’m now able to let go of that “athlete identity” that I’ve held on for so long, especially the past 2 years and it’s been so rewarding to feel “free” in a way.
It finally clicked in my mind that at the end of the day I’m just a human being.
I’m not Hank the athlete, the personal trainer, the student, I’m Hank the human being who really loves doing the things he’s very passionate about. And to be able to let go of that identity has been very rewarding and replenishing.
I don’t want to base myself on my identity anymore, right now I’m just the human being who’s got the vision of inspiring others, bringing people together and hopefully giving back. A human being who’s got a lot of passion for sports, fitness, and being active!
My mind is at such a good place right now, and maybe a big reason for that are the things I’m trying to do with “hankfittraining” and building my movement. Hearing other people’s stories has been so humbling and inspiring to me.
I realized that I can do other things that brings a lot of joy and happiness into my life, not just killing myself paddling in a straight line.
If today I choose to not chase sport anymore, I can happily say that I’m okay with that.
All the highs and lows that I’ve had in the past 4 years and all the lessons I’ve learned can be put into something else if that’s the case.
I’m excited to see what’s coming for me next, whether that’s continuing pursuing my paddling dreams, or move on to something else.
No matter what happens next, I just know that finally after 2 years,
I found peace.